A New Journey⚓︎
Rock Bottom⚓︎
One of the last posts I wrote was vastly different from what I usually write about. It was effectively a cry for help. Reading it again, I realized just how out of control my life had become. Since I wrote that post, my life continued to spiral out of control. I bought a few more domains, with the most expensive one being $19,400.
I did the math and calculated all the domains I've purchased this year. The total cost came out to $68,841.98. Never in my life have I spent so much money in a year, outside of buying a home in 2016. As of yesterday, both my checking and my savings accounts have less than $1,000 in them. I have other money in other accounts, but this money is more immediate to me whereas the other accounts I normally never touch.
Regardless, I spent an inconceivable amount of money on things that don't matter. The question remains though, do I regret buying all of them? The answer is, not really. I said it in the earlier post and I'll say it again... my lack of regret is a problem.
A Cry for Help⚓︎
Although buying all those domains and spending all that money weighs heavily on me, I found that I was losing myself in other ways. I was angry all the time, I was anxious all the time, and I wasn't present.
All of these largely remain, the the last one did the most damage.
I was here, but mentally, I was not. I was checked out. I'd find myself barely listening when people talk, doing a halfass job on things, feeling apathetic towards large swaths of my life, on and on. I was on my phone most of the time. I'd be sleeping in while my wife would get up every morning with our son. On and on.
The bottom line? I didn't care.
I didn't care until August 28th. I was in the bathroom trying to style my hair. I didn't get the best haircut, and I can always tell because my hair will be that much harder to style. I had to wash the product out twice. On my third attempt at styling my hair, I just couldn't get one section of it to work out right.
I snapped.
I saw a flash of white hot rage and I took the water spray bottle and threw it at the floor, shattering it. I fell to my knees and started crying. Over and over again, I kept saying "oh god, I need help". Again and again for probably 10 minutes.
I've had some low points in my life, but this was up there.
My wife came home about 15 minutes later, enough time for me to clean up the broken bottle. I told her immediately that I need help. She understood and agreed. She gave me the number of the therapist office that she goes to.
A New Journey⚓︎
I had my first therapy session on 9/7 with my therapist, Jessica. She's young, but very nice. I've found it easy to open up about things I haven't talked about in years. What I found a bit surprising is that once I started, it was hard to stop. At 45 minutes per session, the time goes quick. Before I know it, the session is over.
The first and second sessions were conducted over Zoom. This was fine and is a good option should I not be able to physically make it to the office, but one of the things I need to work on is getting out of the house more. I feel like I've practically become agoraphobic and it sucks. My next session is an in-person one, and I'm looking forward to it. I want to get out of my comfort zone a bit and start feeling comfortable with going places again.
I'm optimistic this new journey will be a good one. I know the road will be hard and I'll have hardship along the way, but I accept this. I have a tattoo of a phoenix holding a compass in its talons on my ribcage, and I've always interpreted it to mean that every new path is a step in the right direction. A phoenix rises from the ashes, and that's what I'll do. The compass will become my new state of mind and show me the path I need to be on to succeed.
I'll get through this, and I'll become a better version of myself when I reach the other side.