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Turning a Corner⚓︎

Background⚓︎

This post may take me a few to write, but it's an important one. I'm turning a corner in my life, and it amounts to the following...

  • How I'm coming out of my depression a little at a time
  • How small tasks are adding up to big wins
  • How I'm getting comfortable with being uncomfortable

Overcoming Depression⚓︎

To say that my depression came on suddenly is incorrect, even though that's how it felt at the time. I had been burning out at work for some time, but I didn't take it anywhere near as seriously as I should. Admittedly, this become a problem long before, but I wasn't willing to admit it to myself that it was anything more than not taking good care of myself due to working remote, having a kid, and just the daily grind.

By this time, Sienna was born and I was just in over my head. I was doing what I had to do, but I wasn't taking care of myself anymore. I was putting on weight, stress eating, and not getting enough sleep. I was on parental leave from work, but it didn't even really matter. I look back sometimes at photos from then and the look on my face said it all - I was honestly and truly burned out.

I was going to therapy at the time, but I wasn't putting in the effort that I should've been. To be fair, my therapist at the time, Ashley, was definitely phoning it in. I wasn't making progress, and she wasn't pushing me in any meaningful way to get better. After some discussion with Maria, I dropped her and got another therapist, Irene, who's been an unbelievable improvement. I've worked out a lot of things that I had been putting off or trying to avoid. She pushes me and challenges me on topics that I need to confront head on. It's been life changing for me, and has also helped me to come to terms with a lot of things, namely my lot in life.

I spent a lot of my life always looking for the next thing...the whole "if I just get to this point in my life, I'll be happy." That's a killer, and I never looked at it as anything more than what I considered it to be - an obstacle that I needed to overcome. She helped me think differently about it, and realize that my life is actually pretty great. I didn't need to think about where I was going to be in "X" amount of time. I needed to think about how far I've come and what's right in front of me that I can control.

I also put a lot of time into thinking that the answers I was looking for lied in getting some semblence of my old life back. Not that it was all that great, but I desperately wanted some of the things that I used to do - playing guitar, working out, coming and going as I please, etc. The problem that I wasn't accounting for was that my life had changed exponentially. I was comparing my life right now to my old life that was so vastly different. It was a complete apples and oranges comparison, and not only was it not fair to compare the two, but it wasn't something I could ever attain.

This realization was something that hit me like a lightning bolt. I had never considered the fact that I wasn't being realistic with my life. I needed to be doing what was best for my life in the here and now. By putting all this effort into something that was never going to be, I was wasting so much time and energy that could've been used better elsewhere.

Little-by-little, I began to change my way of thinking into something more sustainable and realistic. I had to accept that there were certain things that I could no longer do, and certain things that I could do, but in shorter amounts, namely working out. I could no longer go off and workout for an hour or more, 5 days a week. I could realistically get 10-15 mins in, maybe once or twice a week. It was sobering, but I had to accept that this is my new reality.

Small Tasks, Big Wins⚓︎

Part of accepting this reality was doing a little at a time and having it add up to bigger things. It was hard for awhile because I was so used to only taking pride in big wins. If I did an overhaul on my homelab, I was satisfied with myself (although honestly, even that was fleeting). If I pushed myself really hard at the gym and hit a target, I was satisfied. On and on.

What had to change was that while those sort of accomplishments are great, they're not always within arms reach anymore. They had to become something more like the following:

  • If I got to update something on my homelab, I'd need to be satisfied.
  • If I got to workout that day, I'd need to be satisfied.

This was completely different for me, but it had to be done. Part of this ended up determining that I needed a way of tracking this stuff and actually still getting this dopamine hit.

I tried a few things - stacking my calendar, writing stuff down, etc., but it wasn't the same. I tried a few different apps too thinking that they could fill the void. What ended up being my saving grace was Todoist. I get a real dopamine hit by checking things off daily in Todoist. So many of these apps presented too much friction for me to actually get stuff done and use them, but Todoist was so dead simple and worked on every platform I use. I hooked it into my calendar and I was off and running.

Checking things off day-after-day and actually seeing that empty or nearly empty to-do list at the end of each day was so satisfying for me. It was little stuff that I was adding to it - do the dishes, take out the garbage, get the kids stuff ready, take my medication, etc. - but that's all I needed. I began seeing that even though they were little individual tasks, I was accomplishing 4 things that didn't take very long.

Another small win ended up being of all things, making my bed each morning. For some reason, making my bed seems to start my day off right. It takes me less than two mins to get that win and it sort of kickstarts my day. I get up, make the bed, take my medicine, get the kids ready for school, drop them off at school, come home and make breakfast, then go to work. It doesn't seem like much, but when I stopped to look at it, I had already done so much and it was still morning.

Embracing Discomfort⚓︎

Of course, like anything, it's not always easy. I do struggle with staying motivated some days. There are plenty of days where I'm just wiped out and I don't want to do anything. I accept that this is just life and there will always be days like this, no matter how far I come. I don't like this, but I accept it. This is something that I've addressed in therapy that boils down to embracing discomfort.

Embracing discomfort is ultimately what it means to be an adult. Being an adult can be great, but it can also suck. That's just the way things are, and I won't be changing that. So I can either fight this tooth and nail and ultimately not come out on top, or I can accept that this is the reality of things and focus my energy on something more worthy of my time.

I'm still tuning my day-to-day, and something tells me I always will be. That's fine though; it's just part of who I am. I've spent a lot of time trying to move forward in my life, and all-in-all, I've done pretty well. I'm 36 years old, I own a home, I'm married, I have two wonderful kids, I have a job that would hurt your parents feelings, I have money in the bank, I have flexibility, stability, and one of the most important things that I haven't put enough of a focus on, my health.

Wrapping Up⚓︎

I normally write in my journal, which is another amazing tool I've added to my arsenal. It's a minimalistic bullet journal called Journalistic, and it just works. There's no friction, it just opens up to a new entry each time and you just write. It's just a pleasure to use and really helps me gather my thoughts.

While this has been great, I really had been postpoining actually writing about my journey to get to this point. It's been long overdue, but I'm glad I finally got it out. I'm not yet where I (think) I want to be, but I'm on the path that I'm supposed to be on, and for the first time in my life, I'm happy about where I am in the here and now. That's something I can be proud of, and something that I'm immensely grateful for.